Because Dear Abby Sucks: How Scared In Hawaii Got Her Groove Back

From Dear Abby, Tuesday, August 23, 2005:

I am 62 and my husband is 93. Our next-door neighbor, "Sam," likes to expose himself. Other than that, he's a good neighbor and always ready to help out.

One day, a couple of my women friends were over visiting, and Sam stood in his doorway naked as a jaybird, waving at them. Maybe he thinks it pays to advertise. Mostly, he does this when my husband has gone inside the house.

His behavior worries me. If anything should happen to my husband, do you think Sam would try to force himself on me? Could he attack me and try to rape or murder me, or is he just a nice guy who likes to expose himself, and not the least bit dangerous?

I don't want to be a bad neighbor, and I don't want my name revealed, but this neighbor is really making me uneasy. Should I report what he's been doing to the police? -- SCARED IN HAWAII

Dear Scared,

The hell is wrong with you?

Other than his penchant for exposing himself, you say, Sam is a good neighbor. Trims the hedges, keeps the lawn clean, doesn’t play his music too loud, right? I tend to think that any older, single man who walks around whipping out the goods when your husband’s not looking deserves, at least, to be called a bad neighbor.

And listen: If Sam wants to rape you, I have serious doubts that he checks his behavior because of your husband. He’s 93 for Christ’s sake. Unless he’s from Krypton, he won’t be able to stand between Sam and your decrepit vag.

Unless you like looking at Sam’s junk, call the police. You’re 67, so perhaps there’s some dementia at play in this situation, but I get the feeling you like the attention that Sam pays you. Your husband, at 93, can’t be much fun in the sack, if the two of you even get down anymore. I suspect your husband (like me) can’t stand you, and spends his days wishing for a swift and painless death (as I now am).

Probably when Sam stands in the doorway in his birthday suit, his hip and elbow against the jamb, you get that warm feeling in your abdomen. The same feeling you used to get when you were 16 instead of 67 and it was the starting quarterback and not your disgusting neighbor. The feeling that is indescribably warm and comforting, no matter how taboo the subject that triggers it.

What’s going on between you and Sam is good, old fashioned sexual tension. Fuck him and get it over with (you won’t be 67 forever, you know). That way, when your husband finally gets his wish, you’ll have someone else to drive crazy.